Growing Pains

When I was a kid, I would wake up in the middle of the night crying with terrible cramps in my calves. My mom would come into my room and say, “Sweetie, they’re just growing pains. Everyone gets them. It means you’re growing up!”

That’s how I feel now.

Much of it I’m chalking up to “3-month transition blues.” 3 months into a new city, new work responsibilities, new relationships with friends. It’s like a speed bump where everything is going along at the speed of light and then !WHAM! it feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. Much of it I’m chalking up to putting stakes down and letting go of my vagabond lifestyle. It’s not so fun sorting through receipts, going from point A, to point B, back to point A at night, feeling dragged down by the day-to-day of life. Much of it I know shall pass. Like all bumps in the road do because after 30 years of life, I know myself well enough to know that these lows happen but they’re few and far between and that usually, on most given Sundays, I’m upbeat, chipper and ready to take on the world.

But for the part that I’m not chalking up, I’m worried. I’m scared. I’m frightened and I feel captive by my own decisions. I spent most of last year thinking BIG. Like how do I really impact the world and leave it better than I found it. You could see that through my time in New Orleans, Kiva Fellowship, Cause It’s My Birthday campaign and musings here on The Causemopolitan. I felt bigger, stronger and more in charge than ever. The reality of every day life feels like a cold shower shocking my system into routine and daily life and it’s hard to keep that eye on the prize. And hard to think so big that it shakes you to your very bones.

I’ll keep pushing forward. And I’ll put my best foot in front of the other. I’ll ask friends to lend an ear. And most of all, I’ll be good to myself, listen to what’s in my heart. Make sure I’m doing things for the right reasons and not just running from one experience to the next.

But if you’ve been wondering why I’ve been quiet lately. Well, that’s why. I was away for most of last month, traveling to Austin, Los Angeles, and back to Austin for SXSW and loving every moment of being on the road and away from my “day-to-day” and feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and guilt from here to next Tuesday about how free and great it felt to be on the road traveling instead of in the one place that I choose to lay my head. It felt like looking a gift horse in the mouth. Then I realized it’s not that at all. It’s just a growing pain. And sometimes when your muscles cramp it feels good to get some blood flowing in them, even if that does mean running. Just as long as you remember you have a place to call home at the end of the day.

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