Date Archives → December 17, 2009

New Environments Are Hard


Dream to reality. What a hard step and transition to make. It was a step that I was scared about moving to New Orleans, because after all, there is a reality line that I’m crossing, right? The step between “I love it so much I would love to move there” and the actual “Hey friends and family, I’m moving to this place I talked about all the time.”

Back in the spring, I had this inkling, this feeling, that New Orleans was the place for me. And it scared the living be-breejus out of me, but I let it sit with me. I kept on with my life and my adventures, but it sat with me.

And slowly, every place I looked there was New Orleans. A restaurant across from my hotel in Bangkok called New Orleans, the Tulane grad in Manila I met and became friends with. Scoring a 504 number with my magicjack. The list continues. It channeled me and I channeled her.

I can think of many B&B’s and trips I’ve taken through the years when I met someone and when prompted why they moved to the place they did, San Juan de Sol, Nicaragua to Chugchillan, Ecuador – usually the response is something like, “I just came here and knew.”

I never thought that would happen to me. I mean I loved living in Los Angeles. Don’t think for a moment I didn’t. And if I were a millionaire maybe I would have stayed forever. Lived in Brentwood and sent my daughters (future me wishing) to Archer and continued my yoga practice at Power Yoga and hiked Temescal every day. But it wasn’t sustainable. I wanted to buy a house. I wanted to be in a place where I could get from point A to B without calling for god to give me grace and forgiveness as I crawled along the 10. I wanted the IDEAS of these things even if I didn’t think I could have them the moment I arrived.

I miss my friends in LA terribly. I know I’ve been gone for most of this year but seeing as how I was traveling it didn’t really sink in how permanent my move was. I miss my shortcuts. I miss knowing what place I can go and grab a quick and healthy dinner. I miss being able to exhale at the knowing.

It’s all new. It’s scary. I made my dream a reality and it’s still sweet and it’s still amazing but the part that’s really real is how nervous, apprehensive and emotional the whole journey is. I’m doing it. I’m living every day. I’m out there “getting at it.” But it’s not easy and it’s not always fun. But it’s life. A wild and wondrous life and if I have to howl at the new moon sometimes to get through the night to see the next day, then so be it.

Because new environments are hard. The outcome can be that much greater, but it’s the risk that stops many of us from following through. Know that it’s hard for everyone. You’re not alone. I’m not alone. It’s just like our parents told us, one foot in front of the other. One day to the next. And we keep going.

16 days in New Orleans and counting.

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Getting Back In The Groove

Lifes crossroads. Marigny, New Orleans.

Life's crossroads. Marigny, New Orleans.

Funny how time slips by when we let it. A day, a week, a month. How easy it can be to fall out of patterns and how hard it can be to break back in. Yes, if you’ve noticed, I’ve been absent from blogging these past few weeks. It’s not that I’ve been at a loss for words, or life experiences to share, I think I just needed some time to be by myself. With my thoughts.

And that’s ok right?

It has to be. I mean after all, it’s my life.

But yet I still feel the guilt. Do I say, “Oh, I’ve just moved to a new city and am getting an apartment for the first time in a year and I’m kinda freaking out and need to take this time for me.” No. No, I don’t. I feel sheepish, my head low. I feel bad, I feel guilty.

This is the way our online relationships are. We need them, but they need us, and we get used to them needing us and when that relationship is out of whack it can be hard to pick up again.

Sometimes, I see on people’s blogs that they’ve taken a break from posting. You know what I look at? The first post when they pick back up again. What was strong enough to make them push “publish?” Alternatively, I look at people’s first post ever. What did someone feel strong enough about that they wanted – needed even – to hit the fingers to the keypad and get typing?

Did they acknowledge it was their first post? Or a return to something? Or did they just dive right in?

Here’s what I know. We think, we discuss with friends and within our trusted network, we stick our toes in, we test the waters, we debate, we flounder, and then at some point we do. Add steps, take steps away. Make the time frame milliseconds or years. This is called process. We each have a process for doing the things we want to. And at the end of the day, sometimes we jump in and go. But sometimes we choose, again, to sit on the sidelines and wait. Wait for a sign, wait for a better moment, wait because we’re scared or we don’t know what to say, or worry about the outcome, or for most of the unknowns to be known. We wait.

Factors are weighted. As they should be. But for those moments when we know – just KNOW – that it’s not really the big deal we make something out to be. That it’s ok. For THOSE decisions and those moments, trust yourself enough to say, “Hey man, I got this.”

We only live once. I only live once. I’m willing to show my weaknesses (well some of them) as much as I’m willing to share my strength. I can’t guarantee these lapses won’t happen again, and I can’t say I’m entirely sorry they did. I can’t say I won’t feel less guilty next time and I can’t say for certain this moment of clarity will see me through the day. But I can say I’m getting back in the groove. And willing to have a go at it. Which, you gotta admit, is something.

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